"My Problems" People

I had an interesting conversation with someone a few weeks ago regarding a potential blog topic, and the idea has popped into my mind quite a bit lately. It's one of those topics of conversation that strikes you at first, whizzes around your brain for a few moments, and is quickly passed over as you move onto further stimulating chit chat. But then a few days later, something happens, and you have that Ah ha! moment of remembering "that really interesting thing that you heard last Friday night." From then on, the moments begin to pile up- once, twice a day sometimes, until you wonder, "How has this never occurred to me before?" Well, it's time to discuss this one.

The topic: "My problems" people.
The issue: Everyone knows those few people whose problems are the most important issues on the planet, no matter what, at all times. You may call them with a question, a problem of your own, or even just to pass the time while you're driving, but in a matter of a few minutes you will be silenced by the emotionally distressed grump on the other end of the line. You may not realize this, but you have become the eternal ear of sympathy, perpetually expected to listen patiently and assure your friend that "everything will work out." Bottom line: they will ALWAYS have a problem, and it will ALWAYS take precedence.

There are some fairly serious criteria involved in being dubbed a "My Problems" Person, (and yes, I am taking suggestions for a catchier moniker). I feel that I have to begin by designating what is acceptable in a normal, venting situation. You are merely venting to a friend if:
1. You precede your conversation by asking if they would mind providing a kind ear of sympathy, including an assurance that you will try to keep your complaints brief. (aka. Ask them if you can bitch for a few minutes, but tell them you'll shut up after you get it out of your system).
2. You allot an appropriate amount of venting time based on the severity of the problem. (aka. You are sunburnt from falling asleep in the tanning bed, 30 seconds. Your roommate has disappeared and in the process stolen your laptop, iPod, favorite pair of Lacoste sunglasses, oh, and your boyfriend- I'll give you 20 mins.)
3. You are perceptive of when someone else may be tired, stressed, or in the midst of their own issues, and can consciously abstain from shifting their attention onto your problems. (aka. If your friend is having a bad day, don't make it worse by trying to "out-do" them. True, distracting people from their worries can be helpful, but do it with a joke, not by one-upping them.)

If you feel that you adhere, for the most part, to those three standards- you are not a "My Problems" person. However, if your reaction to disappointments, mistakes, cruelty or catastrophes is to develop a dramatic version of the story to deliver to every friend, family member, or hairdresser that crosses your path for a week, you may be a "My Problems" person. If you find that you are being cut off mid-sentence by a friend who has to get off the phone, and the call-timer is over 30 minutes, and your mouth is dry from talking non-stop about a trivial problem, you may be a "My Problems" person. I think you get the point.

Conversations with these people are exhausting, because it seems that not only do they cling on to every one of life's little hiccups, but they seek them out. If nothing particularly bad or dramatic has happened to them recently, they will rack their brains for any small episode that they can turn into a catastrophic event. Well, I think I've come to a conclusion as to why they do this, and it's much more than just petty attention. It's a fact of human nature that everyone enjoys being nurtured and taken care of. It makes us feel good to think that someone actually gives a damn if we are happy. I think that these people just crave sympathy more than most because they associate it with genuine friendship. They feel cared about. There is a sense of intimacy and importance when they hear reassurance in a friend's voice. But there is a silent line that is crossed by the friends of "My Problems" people when those reassurances become merely habit.

The hard part about this whole thing is, no one ever realizes that they are this person. If they understood the fatigue felt by their friends after an everyday conversation, they would learn to press their own censor buttons. Everyone has their problems, small or life-altering, and a good friend will always be happy to listen to a little venting. It's give-and-take. But the unfortunate fact of the matter is, at some point, a person can only take so much.