My Newfound Respect for Squirrels

(originally written July 2007)

my dad has been battling with the squirrels in our backyard this summer. the spoils: my dad's tomatoes. after fruitless attempts to deter the squirrels with netting, traps, even poison, dad has reverted to more extreme measures. yes, he can now be seen patrolling the patio and deck, pellet gun in hand, ready to exterminate any squirrel that dares cross into Theurer territory. The battle has been raging for several weeks now. the score: tim: 2, squirrels: about 100. These clever little rodents can be seen carrying their green prizes away from the heavily netted plants at all times, much to Tim's dismay. Even the presence of Tim's two appointed guards, Pete and Mona, aren't enough to scare them. 

Tonight, the battle reached new heights. Thirty feet away from the swingset, where a 4"X6" sheet of paper used as target practice hangs, is the patio table. To protect his unripened tomatoes that have fallen off the vines, Tim placed a metal, perforated bowl (normally used to drop turkeys in the fryer) over the fruit. As I opened the door to let the guards back out on duty, I saw one of the enemy combatants hop from tree limb to roof, tomato in tow, and disappear. Yes, the squirrels have now learned to lift up the heavy metal bowl in order to take their spoils. It's as if Tim laid them out as a peace-offering. But no, Tim was out the door, gun in hand within seconds. It was the fastest I'd see the old man move since The Great China Buffet opened in '98. To add insult to injury, the clever squirrel left the bowl propped up on another tomato, in case his friends wanted to drop by later for a late-night snack. 

Who will win the war? Stand by for further updates.

Do You Ever Wish You Were Born in a Different Decade?

(originally written April, 2008)

For some odd reason, I've always felt as though I was born in the wrong decade. Don't get me wrong, the 90s were great and all. Gellie sandals and Tamogachis were the shiz, and I can safely say that the Spice Girls changed my life. But still, the 90s were just lacking... something.

The 20s were roaring, Prohibition must have been a crazy time. I would have loved being a daredevil jezebel, cutting my hair and hemming that skirt ~GASP~ above the knee! People were having fun and being rebellious. There wasn't any Nintendo or Facebook to distract people, it was just good, semi-clean fun.

The 40s were fabulous. I may love the 40s most of all. The days of pinning and going steady were all so romantic. Though I would have needed a pretty liberal and non-sexist husband, I would have made a pretty good 40s housewife. Kind of like an old-fashioned trophy wife! The men in the 40s knew how to woo, and the girls knew how to play coy. It was all so uncomplicated and very Pleasantville.

The 70s (minus the drugs and disco fever) would have been crazy. Even if you weren't a full-fledged hippie, you still wanted to be independent and free. Simon and Garfunkle, the Stones, Jonie Mitchell. The 70s were about music and expression. People weren't afraid to be crazy, they just did what they wanted to do. Also, no one cared if you drank 3/2 beer, so people went out but didn't get sloppy drunk. According to my parents it was a hell of a time.

I think maybe it's not that I should have been born in another decade, but that my life should be more like the movies from those times. It kills me to watch Breakfast at Tiffanys, Sabrina, Casablanca, The Great Gatsby... I think every girl wants to be an Audrey or a Marilyn. We all want that romantic life full of extraordinarily handsome men, exciting parties, and class. There was just an order to things, and it took something special to stand out. 

Nowadays, girls will act crazy and do almost anything to stand out from the crowd. We've made it too easy for guys. We've taken away any motivation to genuinely impress someone. And I'm not trying to bash my own sex here, it goes both ways. An interesting girl will be passed up for that girl wearing the low-cut top. And vice-versa, and interesting guy will be overlooked because of the smooth-talking player. There was just a way of acting in the old days that people really made an effort. I can't quite find the words to explain it, it was just different...

I guess the one thing I really love about the 90s is that I can do whatever I want with my life. I don't have to be a stay-at-home wife, unemployed and focused only on the kiddies. But then again, I wouldn't pass up marrying Linus Larrabee and living the life of luxury either! It's just daydreams I guess.

While I'm talking about it, I wish my life had a soundtrack.

Where have all the Gentlemen Gone?

As I walked home from campus one soggy, frigid morning last week, my trip was suddenly interrupted by a group of gossiping fraternity boys coming towards me. Normally, this situation wouldn't phase me in the least, however this particular morning my good graces were pushed over the edge.

When a girl is walking and a boy, or especially a group of boys, is approaching in the opposite direction, the appropriate action for the male to take is this: let the girl continue walking straight, as you temporarily alter your route to let her pass. DO NOT MAKE HER STEP INTO THE STREET OR MUD. 

I don't feel that this idea is trite or old-fashioned, or would even be offensive to those hard-core women's libbers out there. I think it stands to reason that there is a certain amount of respect due to everyone in this world, and I can't help but feel that women deserve a certain level of graciousness in everyday situations. First and foremost, it is a sign of respect to a girl (not to mention her shoes, which undoubtedly cost more than the boy's on most occasions). And secondly, this is one of many situations where a man can show his respect for a woman, thereby exhibiting his gentlemanly appeal to her.

I've noticed this lack of propriety in several sitations lately. For example, do men realize that it is appropriate for the girl to offer her hand when being introduced and not vice versa? Though I do realize this is a particularly old-fashioned idea, I feel that it should be reinstated into today's interactions. The reason behind this is that if a woman doesn't wish to shake a particular man's hand, she isn't forced to. However, if she does wish to make contact with him, she willingly offers her hand to him as a sign of interest and respect. I won't lie, there are certain situations in which I do not offer my hand to a particular man whom I do not wish to meet (aka guys who have been enjoying a night of drinking and debauchery, and who probably haven't washed their hands since before their last beer pong game).

I could go on and on about opening doors, introducing oneself, offering a seat, and paying compliments, but I think I've expressed my opinion clearly enough. So in the end, the only question I am left with is this:

Where have all the gentlemen gone?