I don't really spend too much time proofing what I write here, I enjoy just getting it all out in one sitting, letting the words flow, and seeing what I end up with. It feels good not worrying about expectations or rules. If you don't like what I write, then you've only wasted a few minutes. But if I can put a smile on your face or an interesting thought in your mind, then I've done something worthwhile.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Top 10 Reasons I Need to Move Out of My Parents' House

I've been back in the Casa de Theurer since August, and did okay for the first few months. Of course, we had our little annoyances as we readjusted to life as it had been four years earlier, but for the most part I was content at home. Looking back, I realize that the 5-day/week commute to Lawrence for class and work, as well as a few hours of homework a night were huge contributors to my poor coping abilities. But ever since the homework ended, and I've had more face time to socialize with the 'rents, and I've started to make a little bit more money... the desire to escape has slowly but surely taken over my psyche, rendering me completely desperate for escape!

In case I've come to you lately with pleas to restore my sanity by getting me out of the house, I think you'll appreciate a little more explanation. So here it is, the

TOP 7 REASONS I NEED TO MOVE OUT OF MY PARENTS HOUSE (in no particular order)

7. My father has claimed authority over the one good TV in the house, therefore I have no access to cable television until after he goes to bed around 9/10 PM. Also, he controls the DVR, which means that the few shows I record to watch later, may or may not be cancelled if he decides that there is a particularly interesting PBS special or episode of Dog Whisperer he'd prefer to record over my show. Oh, and if the DVR seems to be getting too "full," in other words, over 30% full..... he will delete my shows! At least I have Hulu and Netflix, which is basically what I survive on, alone in my room for a few hours every night.

6. I wake up early every morning to my parents' dog, Pete, standing next to my bed, pacing back and forth, nails clicking on the floor, usually panting, for about 5/10 minutes because he is afraid to jump up on the bed. I feel sorry for the guy, he's getting arthritis, but seriously, dude, lay on the floor or go back downstairs. Oh, and if Mona wants to sleep in my bed with me, she has GOT to do something about the dog farts. WHOA.

5. Both of my parents are losing their hearing, and are unaware that setting the volume on the television to 70 makes life a little less enjoyable on the top floor of the house, where SOMEONE is usually trying to have some quiet time after work. As I write this I can hear every dirty innuendo of Charlie Sheen's on Two and a Half Men.

4. If I have to watch or listen to any more MetroSports, ESPN, or Deadliest Catch, I'm going to smother myself in honey and lay on an ant hill. Or cut the cable line that runs into our house, most likely falling to my death next to dad's giant, crucifix-shaped tomato garden in the backyard.

3. My dog is fat. She was not fat before we lived here. She gets more treats in a day than Lindsay Lohan gets lines of coke. When I buy light dog food for her, mom forgets about it, and gives her regular. OR, she spoons a little of the Alpo gravy ON TOP of the light, in essence doubling her caloric intake, because Miley Likes How It Tastes. What...? Oh yeah, and did I mention that we now buy Corn Flakes especially for the dogs? Mom puts it over their food with milk in the mornings. I have no joke for that.

2. I can't invite anyone over for dinner, drinks, date night, etc. You may or may not be surprised to learn that I like to entertain. I like to cook for people, I like to have movie and wine nights, and I'd like to spend a few more nights in with Miley instead of going elsewhere. I can't wait to be able to return some of the hospitality that has been shown to me lately.

And the number 1 reason I need to move out of my parents' house:

1. Dad thinks that you can put metal into the newer microwaves... It's only a matter of time before the house explodes.

Really, I love my parents, and I know others have a lot more to complain about, but it is time to cut the cord for good. Sayonara, moms and pops! See you when I stop by to drop your granddog off for weekend playdates!

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